Thoughts you don't want to know

So, I keep wanting to talk about where things are at with our journey of learning about diabetes. I find that it is almost easier to talk about it than to write. But then again, I can only talk about it so much before I hit the wall.

The thing about writing for me, is that I typically find it is a great way to get out all that I really want to say. The problem is, this time, it is almost impossible for me to actually say it. Writing gives me the opportunity to process the pain of the situation in solitude. I don't like how it feels. On the other hand, I also don't want to become numb to the pain. God did not design me to become numb from my pain, He designed me to be healed from it.

At some point, I am sure the dots are all going to connect together, but in the mean time, I am sure that it is clear that I am tip toeing around what is going on inside on me.

Let's talk some facts. Facts are not supposed to be emotion filled.

- Adolescent males between the ages of 10 - 14 are the highest percentage of the population to develop type 1 diabetes.

- The warning signs for diabetes are subtle. It can easily become out of control without you even knowing it.

- The majority of people have no idea what type 1 diabetes even is. They automatically think that it is type 2.

- Type 1 and type 2 diabetes is very different from one another.

- Type one diabetes does not develop because you are fat and sit around eating bon bons all day.

- There are no answers as to why you do actually develop type 1 diabetes. There is a huge amount of research, but no one knows what actually does cause it.

All of these "facts" as they may be are ridden with emotion for me. The reality of this situation is that we deal every day... 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I am not just another statistic, neither is my son. We are real people. This is a real disease. Guess what? When Charter goes to bed at night, diabetes does not. It is still there. We pray that we calculate right with his insulin to food ratio. That his blood sugar level does not go too high, or worse yet, too low.

We wake up at night, and often wake him too... just to check. Did he have too many carbs, not enough? Did we give him too much insulin? Not enough?

To watch him in the frustration of not getting enough blood, and bordering on tears as he has to prick himself again, and sometimes again. To watch your 10 year old son injecting himself with something that his body should do itself. Or for us to do the injections and know that we are stabbing our child, and this is not a one time deal. This is not even a one time a day deal. It is not uncommon for him to be stuck 10 times a day. 10 TIMES A DAY!!!!! Most people don't have that in a year.

Some people don't "get " what is going on. I want to give them a break, but come on, when do I get a break? When you come home from the hospital with your new baby, people come and visit, they bring you meals, they offer to help in any way they can. When Charter became sick, people disappeared, and then have the nerve to ask me why am I hurting them. Or how special, ask me why you have "disappeared?" Give me a break. Get over yourself. Get some compassion. Try for one minute to stop judging, and start loving and walk for one second in my shoes!

There are so many people that do not know the Lord, and Christians lash out at them not having any idea what they are doing. I am a Christian, and look at me! Not doing so great all the time. Imagine what it would be like if I didn't have God to help me thorough all of this.

I am half sorry that I am even going to publish this post because God has already been working on me with some of this, however, this is a small taste of what is going on in me right now. Ugly as it may be, my mind can not always have cute thoughts of rainbows and ponies.

I am very thankful to all of you who have actually been there for us and shown love and compassion. We sincerely appreciate it. For everyone else who can't get a clue, I have no time for you right now. I am grieving the loss of my sons childhood as it should be, and you are not helping.